E's Surf Report: miniscule

It felt like summer-time New Jersey out there this morning. Really tiny. But, for those looking for a leisurely swim in the aptly named "Pacific," today's your day. I suited up at my house and just ran down to the local spot, sight unseen. Crested the dunes and gazed out onto dribbly, micro, placid, lake-like conditions. One other surfer a bit north of me. I stretched for a while and then waded out to the lineup, which was in about chest-deep water. Nothing with much "oomph" came in, except for one wave outside of me that i missed because i tried to take off on the 1-footer preceeding it. It was soothing to just sit out in the ocean with noone else around. I let my mind wander and enjoyed tracking down and trying to slot into the zippy little mini sections on offer. I think i managed one frontside pump and one little top-turn on my backside, otherwise it was just little drops and trims. The wind wasn't wreaking havoc or anything. Just a mellow onshore.

doable but tiny. but.. doable.

Soo.. if i'm not mistaken today is the Lerminator's birthday. Lermification turns 29 on this very day so in honor of the Dowling Swashbuckler i'd like to relate a little story from our recent trip to Central America.

After nearly two weeks of constant southern-hemi groundwell and immaculate glassiness, Lerm and i were getting our fill of sick, soul-gratifying waves. But.. in many ways the waves were just the icing on the cake. The true bounty was the deep, enriched, eye-opening cultural experience. Lerm had never been out of the country before('cept Canada) and flying into Managua from San Francisco was like going from 0 to 100mph. We were thrust into a foreign, non-english-speaking, bombed-out, hot, stifling, polluted, intimidating situation. nearly 8 hours and countless haggling sessions later we found ourselves near a beautiful, primitive, traditional village with a killer wave right out front. Anyway... many waves and adventures later we were gearing up to leave the coast and hopefully meet Jocular Jake on this volcanic island that sits in the middle of a freshwater lake a few hours inland. Lerm is known for his sometimes tempermental stomach that luckily hadn't been acting up so far on the trip... until now. Whether is was the garlic or the water or the pollo or just the oppressive heat we'll never know... but the Lerm started feeling the grumbles just a few minutes before we were headed out on foot down the dirt path to the bus stop with all our stuff. He appeased the stomach gods at the local bano and then we set off.. 20 minutes of walking brought us to an intersection with another dirt road. We put our stuff down, sweating in the heat, and began waiting for the bus. I could tell by the look of deep concentration on the Lerm's face that he wasn't feeling all light and fluffy at the moment. Just as he started announcing that he might trek back in the bush to potentially let one fly the bus came bouncing and bounding around the corner. We had no choice, it was the only bus, and we couldn't miss it. Soo.. we tossed all our shit on the top, watched as the bus-guy lashed it all down, and got on. The dirt road was super pot-holed and bumpy, and even ran across some legitimate streams a few times. Lerm wasn't talking. Just concentrating. flexing sphincter muscles. or some such.. Anyway.. an hour later we pulled into a larger town, where the bus stopped at a market for 10 minutes before continuing on. We were set to take this bus to the next town so the plan was just to chill until it left. Lerm was feeling the pangs real bad at this point so bolted on a mission to find relief. We knew we only had 10 minutes to chill so he was in full mission-mode to find a spot and let fly.. so to speak. I wished him luck and he absorbed into the throngs of the thriving market. 9 minutes later the bus engine was rumbling and we were about to take off.. still no Lerm.. Shit.. i started to go up to the bus driver to tell him to wait and then i see the Lerm come around a corner. a deep grimace on his visage.. fuuckkk.. no luck with the hunt for a bano. Turns out that via a series of miscommunications Lerm never found his oasis. so it was back on the bumpy old schoolbus for another hour to the next town. Lerm was pale and hurting at this point. Not a word escaped his mouth during the next leg and i could tell he was entering into a deeply meditative state. I felt for the dude, but also couldn't help but to enjoy to tapestry of rural 3rd world life cascading by the windows. Old ladies hauling bushels of wood on their heads, little kids riding horses through the fields, horned oxen affixed to ancient-looking plows, etc.. amazing. Finally.. after much tribulation, we reached the next town were there was a gas station.. Lerm lept from the bus and bum-rushed the bathroom.. ahhh.. nirvana.. his prayers answered.. Cool.. sooo.. now he's feeling better but still pretty nauseous and queasy. We caught a cab to the ferry port, unloaded our stuff and began to take in the lakeside scene. The water on the lake was decidedly rough, and just then we saw our little ferry come around the corner of the harbor, rocking back and forth with much gusto.. Fuuuuuck.. do you have your dramamine. Lerm didn't look too happy.. and neither was i as i suffer from a penchant for sea-sickness. Perturbed and a bit nervous, we walked on to the ferry with all our shit and hoped for the best. We pulled out of the harbor and started rocking and rolling. But.. thankfully.. as we continued forward the rocking wasn't too bad and we were soon gently cruising toward a otherwordly-looking tropical island with two conical volcanoes. Legend has it that there are fresh-water sharks in the lake so we kept a lookout. We were also highly doubtful that we'd meet our boy Jocular Jake on the island. It just seemed so remote and random. We thought for sure there would be a screw up or something.. but.. the plan was set and we were bound for the Finca Magdelena.. an old farm that had been converted into a guest-house for hikers and travelers at the base of one of the volcanoes. Soo.. we made it to the island.. then boarded an old rickety schoolbus.. We drove about 4 hours down a dirt road, through jungle and village. The people on the island had a more indigenous look and were very beautiful. After 4 hours we got dropped off in this old-school, spanish-style town where we were supposed to pick up another bus out to the Finca. The town had a large square, where banyon trees shaded school children who were getting there lessons right outside, in the middle of the town square.. Lerm was feeling the pangs again but sorrowfully couldn't track down an appropriate "drop-off station." Somehow he still retained enough rico-suave to have these two German girls giggling and laughing we waited for our bus and they for theirs. Go the Lerm! Soo.. finally our other bus came and it had to be seen to be believed.. I think it might have been an old American schoolbus from the 1930's or something. It actually had wooden seats. The front was decked out in classic 3rd-world bus flair. trinkets and sparkling stickers and jesus medallions and disco balls. The sound system was kickin' too.. anyway.. after numourous delays, sitting still in 100+ degree heat while the dust and dirt wafted through the still air inside the bus we began making our way down the remote dirt road to the finca. At one point this ancient, frail, hobbling, wrinkled, beautiful tribal-looking lady sat down next to Lerm. It was great.. I seriptitiously snapped a few photos but should have used the flash. Soo.. after about 2 or 3 hours on this bus we were fucking ready to get off the fucking bus and into a shower or something. Soo.. the bus finally drops us off near the end of the road and i see a sign for the Finca. it says it's 1.5km up this little dirt path. Fark. Soo.. we have our huge backpacks and our boardbags and shit and it's over 90 degrees and Lerm is borderline psychotic at this point... definitely dehydrated.. and kinda senile. He starts out ahead of me in this weird, semi-conscious daze. Without realizing it he starts walking the wrong way down the trail and just keeps walking until i yell.. "YO Lerm, This way!" He has this pale, haggard look on his face and i know he's hurting, bad.. Soo.. we begin to hike up this fucking trail. sweating and lugging all our shit. Lerm is almost staggering around. It's getting ugly. We don't see the Finca. only jungle and an uphill path, and bugs, and a hazy melting heat all around. but we keep trudging and lugging and one-step-after-another marching up the trail.. We FINALLY get to the Finca, a gorgeous old barn at the foot of this ridiculous volcano. I stand in the sprinkler for 5 minutes to cool down.. Lerm hits the bano.... hard... But.. we made it.. We think that there is no farking way that Jocular Jake will have made it all the way out here.. no fucking way.. but.. literally 5 minutes later.. the Jake-meister and two of his friends march up the trail!!! crazy!! 30 minute, rejuvinating cold showers and beers follow.. and everyone is feelin' better. Lerm was near passed-out at the table.. but.. there was a little smile on his face.

happy b-day Lerm!

the scene

the Finca

Fucking classic.....

I had two spells of LOL and one stomach cramp while reading that. Great post!

Lerm, happy b-day brotha'!

Posted by: Kaiser at May 26, 2004 10:40 AM

e, your story is great. i re-read it twice, than sat and stared at the ceiling dreaming of other places. i owe you a beer for the mental vacation miles i just booked.

long weekend, big plans in niceness world? after too much anticipation my new board will be picked up friday, heeeeellll yeah!

in other niceness news, friendly will be bidding the bay area adieu this weekend. have a safe drive and good luck seeking out the OR goods.

anyways, pretend it's friday and rock on.

Posted by: j at May 26, 2004 10:49 AM

that story was the shit. feliz cumpleanos amigo

Posted by: 3to5setsof7 at May 26, 2004 10:49 AM

great story and pics

Posted by: daniel boone at May 26, 2004 10:58 AM

Feliz cumpleanos Lerm! What a story...you're a trooper.

OB: ankle to thigh high mackers sluffing around. "Relaxing" is never an adjective I'd use to describe surfing at Ocean Beach, but it sure is applicable today. Mini. Medium onshores, fog and sun mixed. Walk out, float around and contemplate the universe, paddle like mad for anything remotely resembling a wave. Suprisingly strong south current, at least while the tide was going out. A person here or there giving it a go - usual mix of longboarders and you shortboarders who can rip up anything, even this. Renewed suicide onslaught of the blue jellies, keep that mouth glued shut or one might slide right down the hatch. One cruising seal and one freshly washed-up. So mellow...maybe today's the day to try surfing one those pallets instead of burning them.

Posted by: s.s. sharkbait at May 26, 2004 11:11 AM

third world? sounds like my hood in the Richmond dist. yarn was definitely reminiscent of the after effects of bad meals at el tarasco in my twenties
---lomotil and cerveza.... the panacea

got a few peelers west of java beach this am ...belly high but definitely ridable. seemed to be getting beter as the tide dropped which leads me to conclude that the mid to outer bars can only influence a small swell at low tide ..yeah or neay
sadly there was no one out to drop in on.

Posted by: ssnake at May 26, 2004 11:12 AM

The "more conservative" picture posting approach

Posted by: at May 26, 2004 11:14 AM

was greeted by a surface breaching whale this am upon paddling out ....good omen?
great bus story e

Posted by: old man at May 26, 2004 11:15 AM

Sorry, that was me of course. Right click and select "back" to get back to the comments area.

Quik Pro Fiji - Round 2 in a few hours for all those ASP ho's out there.

Posted by: Kaiser at May 26, 2004 11:16 AM

damn e, killer story, feliz cumps lerm!

some fun:

www.dancingbush.com

Posted by: gvibe at May 26, 2004 11:17 AM

damn.

Posted by: lady lover at May 26, 2004 11:17 AM

..the horror..that place looks insane..full on scatalogical vision quest for lerm..

happy birthday lerm!

Posted by: bagel at May 26, 2004 11:20 AM

Classic story. I was on a bus in Cambodia once that fell apart while we were riding. The driver had to go fishing in the river for the trunk piece of the bus!

Lindy this morning was actually pretty sweet. Paddled out into a double ankle set and then it started to pick up and get nice. Some decent peeling rights that had more size than yesterday at OB.

Posted by: jardinee at May 26, 2004 11:26 AM

I noted buoy data this morning, and went to test the fin I made yesterday. Unfortunately, it seemed almost exactly like the fin my board came with. That's not a bad starting point, have to see how the next one goes.

Small, one other dude out (he got some long waist to chest high rides). and lots and lots of seals and a few dolphins.

Posted by: blakestah at May 26, 2004 11:32 AM

happy birthday lerm.

Something tells me that despite the stomach issues and the other pains of the road, the Lerminator, is already planning his next jaunt.

Posted by: tom at May 26, 2004 11:36 AM

ss: was that you with the red longboard, leaving la beach around 8am?

Posted by: luke at May 26, 2004 12:07 PM

Posted by: at May 26, 2004 12:14 PM

it's been said many times, but i'll say it again...happy bday, Lerm!! frickin' classic travel story. from my recent Centro Americano trip, i can DEFINITELY relate!

Posted by: ck at May 26, 2004 12:32 PM

central america here i come... reef contest in costa rica

go here

Posted by: shady at May 26, 2004 12:41 PM

Honest to God true story. I'm sitting at my desk at lunch reading E's fantastic story and eating a double quarter gut bomb with some artery clogging fries. It's amazing how quickly one's body can process grease. . . is that why they call it "fast food?"

So I'm about to take the trip to the bano and one of my guys comes into my office and closes the door to talk about a complex/sensitive issue. And talk, and talk, and talk. Oh no! I'm being Lerminated! I finally interrupted the discussion and excused myself, just in the nick of time. Who says old guys can't do the 100-yard dash?

Lerm- good on ya for having the strength to keep exploring. The rest of us would have been hunting for the nearest Holiday Inn.

Great story, Ethan. I want to add it to the travel stories page to improve my sorry site.

Posted by: Moose at May 26, 2004 12:46 PM

Shady, nice post.

Posted by: Kaiser at May 26, 2004 12:48 PM

e - another great tale! I definitely felt the Lerminator's pain. Hope he's feeling the love on his b-day.
Raised on the border, I had "Don't drink the water!" drilled into me on numerous trips south as a kid. With the exception of a couple of unforgettable exceptions I have been pretty lucky in my travels. When we took our then 12 year-old on his first trip to the tropics (Viet Nam), we warned him over and over "Don't drink the fruit juice unless you can watch them squeeze it yourself!" We suspected that the "fresh squeezed" stuff in even the fancy places was mixed with the local tap water. Sure enough, after a few weeks of playing russian-roulette with various smoothies, lahssis and milk-shakes, he got real sick and even started running a fever. We got a little freaked and took him to a clinic in Ho Chi Minh City (actually most of the locals still call it Saigon). The doctor barely glanced at him from across the waiting room and pronounced that he had cholera! Since we were scheduled to fly home in about 48 hours, I nudged my wife and said, "Let's get the fuck out of here before they quarantine him, and we get stuck here for the next three months!" We thanked the doc, left a nice "gift" for the clinic and bailed for the hotel. We continued to dose him with Flagyl to kill what we suspected was probably a giardia attack. Getting him on the plane was like a scene out of some bad cold-war era escaping-the-eastern-block movie: "Come on, pull yourself together! You gotta stand up and try to walk straight! Just a few more steps ... Don't let 'em see you shiver and sweat. Do you wanna end up spending the seventh grade in some Saigon children's ward?" Oddly enough, by the time we switched planes in Seoul about eight hours later, he was fine - no fever, nothing! He's been real careful since then. Lately, we've been using grapefruit seed extract tablets as a preventative measure and none of us have even gotten the "rumblies" in some pretty dodgey locales.

Posted by: Jimmie at May 26, 2004 12:58 PM

cool story jimmmie..

shady - damn.. i need to wash my eyes.

Posted by: e at May 26, 2004 01:01 PM

Posted by: e at May 26, 2004 02:01 PM

Reef Contest Idaho

Posted by: patriot act at May 26, 2004 02:12 PM

BLUE RULES!

Posted by: Dr. bad breath at May 26, 2004 02:22 PM

thanks all. yeah, i'll never forget that part of the trip. i was actually hurting for the rest of the trip and a half after i got back. imagine the plane ride! I'm just glad I didn't get something worse like what Jimmie described. anway, e thanks for giving me the spotlight today and excellent description bro.

Posted by: lerm at May 26, 2004 02:27 PM

oops i meant a week and a half after i got back.

Posted by: lerm at May 26, 2004 02:28 PM

Reef contest Iraq

Posted by: rummy at May 26, 2004 02:39 PM

reef contest 500 BC

Posted by: bagel at May 26, 2004 02:44 PM

FRAZETTA knows reef contests.

Posted by: elias at May 26, 2004 02:56 PM

and today's Bad Taste Award goes to....."rummy"! congratulations...

Posted by: luke at May 26, 2004 03:07 PM

i think that lady's got the drop on mr. sabertooth...smart money might be on the terradactyl though. nice one, bagel.

thanks for the well wishes, j! there'll be time for two more epic DPs (just like today's) before i begin the OR recon next week. the pics you sent were inspirational to say the least. yes, please!

i find it terribly thoughtful that OB is offering up a 3-mile-wide channel during my last few days in the area. my guess is she doesn't want us parting on bad terms. or something. saw a pelican make a nice drop this AM. but i shouldn't complain because at least it was microsurfable (!), and definitely fun.

happy birthday, lerm! i've never felt such empathy for a complete stranger's plight...oi! you do the geminis proud.

Posted by: friendly at May 26, 2004 03:09 PM

Lerm - totally sucks about the bus ride. Reminds me of a story my younger bro told me about his friend who had the shits while on a bus down to Tierra del Fuego. Luckilly for him the bus pulled over every time he had to shit. Unfortunately he ran out of toilet paper and started using his own clothes to wipe is ass. Soon that ran out too and as he nolonger had underware, the insides of his pants were subsequently covered in shit (as well as parts of his hands). My bro said "The smell in the bus was so bad and inexcapeable that it was like having shit stuck in your hair, which was hanging in front of your face".

Posted by: traut at May 26, 2004 03:44 PM

Friendly! Best with the OR shenanigans...you will be missed. Drop a line any time!

OB: yes just what you think, right down to the arvo breezes

Posted by: s.s sharkbait at May 26, 2004 03:48 PM

Congrats to Moose for the word of the day------

lerminated (v.)- to grimace and suffer the gut wrenching pain of gastric disturbance with no available means or method of relief;
related to --- tijuana trots, el paso two step, montezuma's revenge, hershey squirts, breaking wet wind, staining the skivvies --but much worse

Posted by: doc at May 26, 2004 04:04 PM

Reef contest Iran

Posted by: Taking the 5th at May 26, 2004 04:06 PM

e, man that chariot at the finca's got dope twenties

Posted by: tyrone at May 26, 2004 04:07 PM

the blog is an addiction E....according to that bastion of truth, the new york times.

read: http://www.nytimes.com/2004/05/27/technology/circuits/27blog.html?pagewanted=1

Posted by: luke at May 26, 2004 04:08 PM

Cory and Andy in the doubles at Tavarua

Posted by: dano at May 26, 2004 04:23 PM

Slater and Taj

Posted by: dano at May 26, 2004 04:25 PM

i'm looking into getting a new guitar amp.. Right now i'm intrigued by the Trayners.. It's a boutique-amp from Canada.. supposed to be dope.. anyone have advice? I'm looking for a 40-60 watt tube amp.. more toward the cleaner (Fender) style than the mesa or the marshall..

Posted by: e at May 26, 2004 04:48 PM

doc - I laughed so hard, I think I soiled myself.
Many years ago we had this crazy artist roomate named Wade. He had a habit of coming into a room with his arms outstretched in perculiar posture we called "Pre-flight Wade." He'd get a stupid grin on his face, let a big fart and cackle as he scurried out of the room. One afternoon we were gathered in the livingroom, passing something around - I can't recall just what. In comes Wade to do his schtick. He lets rip a big one that sounds a bit moist. His stupid grin turns into a worried frown and he bolts from the room. A few seconds later we hear the shower running. I don't think any of us laughed so hard in all our lives. Well ... except for that time our slumming-heiress roomate, Rewthie, tried to boil water in the TupperWare.

Posted by: Jimmie at May 26, 2004 04:48 PM

I've been looking at some of the Vox Valvetronix series amps. They are tube amp emulator amps, but what sets them apart is that they're Vox and actually use tubes. It's an option to consider if you want to have the ability to mess around with different tube sounds - so that you can rip a 1965 Fender Blackface clean tone or the Mesa Boogie rectified shred sound all in one amp. Throw in a little univibe and get Jimified.

I have a Line 6 POD and when used as a pre-amp it's pretty sweet. I tried the Vox Emulator amp and it was very tubey - blew the POD out of the water.

-be

Posted by: be at May 26, 2004 04:54 PM

ss, i'm going to be out there again manana, doing some sort of wave incantation by geraldo's house at 6:15. bring yer trusty longboard (and wrist magnets?) and it's a guaranteed good time!

Posted by: friendly at May 26, 2004 04:58 PM

Reef contest Antarctica

Posted by: bi-polar at May 26, 2004 05:00 PM

What the fuck is that? Now seriously, I think that is funny and all but wouldn't a nice wave/chica/beach look better there?

That looks like Jabba The Hut

Posted by: Kaiser at May 26, 2004 05:08 PM

GET IN MY BELLY!!

Posted by: bbr at May 26, 2004 05:37 PM

sounds sweet be.. the vox is a classic amp.

I've had the line6 flextone II for the last few years and now am firmly in the anti-Emulator camp. I think that they're good for jamming in the bedroom and for recording on the computer. but.. when playing with a band and over a drummer.. I'm not happy with the tone at all. My flextone II just doesn't cut it at volume. Maybe if i had the 2x12 instead of the 1x12? While it comes "close" to emulating various classic amps and cabinets, it never gets totally there. and this constant warbly/reverby tone that i just can't get rid of keeps me pretty irked.. and i've heard the same thing on other Flextone's so i know it's not my amp in particular. In my opinion you can't get a nice, clean tone out of the Line 6. It supposedly has 8 billion tones, but in my opinion can't do a pure clean tone. In all honesty i'm totally over any amp that tries to do too many things. I just want a pure, clean, warm tube-amp tone that i can build on top of with pedals. I want my tone to be able to integrate easily with a rocking drummer and another guitarist playing a Marshall. However, i also don't want to get one of the standard Fender amps because i don't want to have the same tone as everyone else.

anyway.. that's where i stand

Posted by: e at May 26, 2004 05:43 PM

bagel...that painting is dope! that's my kinda lady! sexy, skilled, saucy, fearless...and an eye for animal hide fashion!! (although...while i'm at it, i gotta say that the one posted by Kaiser/lady lover is pretty fine too! ; )

friendly...nice werk makin' the most of your final week as a full-time SFer (until you return, that is! ; ). if i don't see you before you depart, safe travels and best of luck in OR. you and your pos stoke will be missed 'round these parts.

Posted by: ck at May 26, 2004 06:06 PM

Just a reminder of how lucky we are. Go surfing with your friends.

Posted by: Bruce at May 26, 2004 06:45 PM

Great Photo and great reminder, Bruce
Just say no to crack.......and PWRs

Posted by: steama at May 26, 2004 08:53 PM

Haha.. so many posts had me rollin! A late happy bday to lerm! Damn e, all I want to do is travel now.. 1 month in Hawaii in less than 3 weeks!

Posted by: Ian at May 26, 2004 09:29 PM

gracias, ck--and right back at you! i will hope that our paths cross before i hop in the U-haul...but...if not...i'm going to be back on june 7 and 8 to grab my car. listen for an early ringing cell phone on that tuesday morning! and pray for good surf. :)

Posted by: friendly at May 26, 2004 09:46 PM

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